Yahweh is Merciful

Saturday afternoon we received the final document necessary to complete the dossier! A good friend from high school who is now a CPA actually agreed to certify our assets! I was so happy to bring that, along with our letters from the Sheriff's office stating that Chris and I are model citizens :)

I proudly dropped them off, let the coordinator check off the final boxes and was filled with glee that the paper work mountain that had appeared insurmountable was now beneath me!

So I ask the dossier coordinator..."Can I find out where we are on the waiting list?" And she said, "Let me see if the director is busy." She brings me into his office, and we greet. I ask him where we stand on the list. I know it is really all dependent upon when referrals come in, but it would be nice to know if we are near the top of the list or if we are somewhere down on the bottom.

He checked his list, up and down...sorted it...studied it...lots of silence. Then as if out of nowhere, he produces a color picture on a piece of paper and places it in front of me. "This little boy is available. He is a little older than you were hoping for - almost 15 months old"

I couldn't put the picture down. The first thing I noticed is that he has my daughters same exact nose. It is her feature that Chris and I fight over getting to kiss! Kind of a family joke. Then I just was captivated by his eyes. He looks like he could so easily be a biological child of ours! He was absolutely beautiful. I fought hard to keep the tears from rolling down. And I couldn't speak.

I finally asked (and stumbled over my words quite a bit) "What happens if this is the baby we want?" I was thinking, "How do I get this picture to my hubby? Will he like this child? Is he healthy? Is he walking? Will there be any problems with the adoption process?" and on and on...

We did talk about some of those questions, as I was able to settle my heart down a bit. But I just knew that this was the baby.

The director said he would do some checking and when he got some updated information he would officially email us the "referral". So I left and called Chris and told him that we could be getting a referral very soon!

The next day, I got the email. I found out his name - Ivan! And got a copy of his medical report. Chris and I called the director and asked some more questions. The director told us about a family who was going to adopt Ivan. They were making their travel plans and were told that he was not adoptable because they didn't have a release from the birth mom to allow him to be adopted in his file. They had already had a doctor review his medical form. They had gone on to adopt another baby boy and had been home about 3 weeks with him now. But he said she would probably love to talk with us and share any information she had.

She emailed us yesterday! She was so happy and said she'd prayed for Ivan every day! She was so excited that Ivan may be placed right here in the same city!

What a story this is already turning into. I looked up the meaning of the name Ivan, and it means "Yahweh is Merciful" or "God is Gracious". Yet more confirmation that this baby exhibits God's love and mercy and grace over us. God is so merciful to give us a chance at a second child!

What is the next step??? Well, have accepted the referral, and now our dossier is being registered in that region of Russia. As soon as that is complete we will receive a travel date. We expect to be going to see him in as soon as 3 weeks!!!

Please continue to pray that all goes smoothly in this process. It has been emotionally draining, logistically difficult and also a huge financial burden...but it all seemed like nothing when we saw that sweet picture above. So your prayers are much appreciated! Feel free to leave comments on the site. I'd love to hear your encouraging words!

James 1:17 (New International Version)
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

Matthew 7:11 (New International Version)
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

Homestudy Success!!!

Isaiah 40:31 But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.

Chris and I have completed the homestudy!!! I have an inch-tall stack of photocopied documents that went into this process. We had a 3 hour interview with the Social Worker. We had 10 credit hours of classes (which took us probably closer to 30 to complete) and we had people all over the country writing letters on our behalf...and it all boils down to a 6 page report. Our whole life, all three of us - in 6 pages. Wow! Have I never felt so insignificant! :)

Finally when the report is finished, we kept our momentum going so that we could finish our dossier just as quickly. Well, here we are nearly a month later, and we're still working on it. I have learned some valuable lessons...first, the enemy will interfere with God's good work. No matter what you do, Satan is there to frustrate you, to make you want to give up and stand up road blocks to keep your pace going. If he make you feel that you can't handle something, can't persevere through something or can't tolerate something, he can keep you from God's blessings and diminish your faith. The dossier is much more tricky, because there are probably between 80-100 documents, and the Russians are extremely particular! Even the abbreviation of a state can completely invalidate a dossier document! We must practice extreme patience with this process!

I had a situation with my CPA... well, what was my CPA. I had them prepare my taxes from 2005 to 2007, but I did our own in 2008. I needed a CPA to certify our assets - or really just state that I certify that these are our assets. I contacted them, and they told me in no uncertain terms that since I did not use them last year, they would not do this for me. I was appalled! There was no, "Well, it will cost this much" or "Let's see what you have and we'll let you know if we can help you" It was just "No". Well, after I let them know in no uncertain terms that they have lost this customer for life, I felt so rejected and angry! But God provided another way, a connection to a childhood friend that said he would take care of it for us.

Second, many, many things are out of your control. There are documents that you take extreme care with, have notarized, and then send off to some third party, and trust that they will provide you the proper information in a timely fashion. Some documents have taken weeks to return! Some we are still waiting on. Others returned to us very quickly. But the bottom line is that we cannot worry for the things about which we have no control. I have experienced a lot of stress in getting the forms from our Doctors completed. I have to bring a notary, I have to convince them to write letters (on the spot) and I have to trust that they will have their medical license with them, and also trust that the medical license does not expire within 6 months! I was able to mitigate some of this by social engineering some letterhead from a doctor's nurse for these letters so I could draft them on their behalf ahead of time, but the front office is so trained to "protect" the doctors, that getting a question answered like "When does the Doctor's medical license expire" is almost impossible!

All this leads to the third lesson - All things through prayer and petition! I was trying to complete all these things on my own. Getting rather pious with my husband about the tasks I would delegate to him. Ride heard on everything and worry about the events to come. But I am learning that God knows the timing and we must one - trust that if we have a roadblock, there may be a reason for it and two - we need to be praying to keep the enemy attacks down and for discernment about which roadblocks are attacks and which are of God. I realize now that we are close to the end of the waiting list, God wants to match us to the perfect child for us! He already knows who that is, and a little longer wait or a little push to get things through will divinely line us up with that perfect gift.

Our dossier is almost complete. I am praying that we will have everything by next week done that we can do, and that everything that we can't do will fall into place by the end of August. Our next step is a baby referral and a whirlwind trip to Russia to meet the precious baby!

Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Classes, Classes, Classes

Well, Chris and I are in the education phase of our journey. We are required to take 10 credit hours of training - either online or in-person about adoption. Tonight, all of us climbed on the bed learning about how to talk to our adopted child about adoption. The answer, "Early and often".

Most of what we learned was common sense parenting. So some of it is well, boring. But we keep reminding ourselves that many people adopting (and therefore, taking these courses) are going to be parents for the very first time! Also, they may be older and not in circles of children. And adopting a child, especially an international adoption, usually means the child is not a newborn infant. They have a life, a past, a history that did not include you as parent from the beginning. They may already be crawling, talking or walking. Some children may have even started school.

But in our case, the baby will likely be between 8-18 months old. The important thing for us to take away is that our new addition will always carry the adoption just like my daughter carries blonde hair and blue eyes - as a trait and a defining part of his being.

The courses all highly encourage us to create a "Lifebook". A Lifebook is not a baby book or a scrapbook, although the outward appearance is similar. The Lifebook is to contain any and all information we can find about the child, both pre and post-adoption. Who are their parents? Why were they adopted? Was there abuse? Who took care of him? What is the country like where he's from? How did I feel when I first saw him? Even if we cannot find a single piece of information on the birthparents or the baby's story, we are to find some significant thing - even if it's just something as simple as a leaf from a tree outside the orphanage he is from. His story is to be detailed and the book should be accessible to the child at all times. We are to add to the book and give the child complete ownership over it. It is theirs to help them define themselves as their life goes on.

So I start to think...a Lifebook...Only the adopted get the Lifebook. Emily doesn't get one, because she was not adopted...or was she??? The more I thought about it, I realized she was actually bought, with a price...by God through His son Jesus. The Lifebook is very akin to the story of redemption, and the story of our being sinners, lost in the world, coming to Jesus and accepting Him as our Lord and Savior and then how our life changes once the Holy Spirit begins to do a work in us. We are adopted by God - the perfect father. We are chastened and prayed for by the Holy Spirit - the perfect Mother. We are loved so much by Jesus - the perfect sibling and friend. The love of God is enough to heal all our wounds from our Earthly parents and Earthly life. I think I have a lot of Lifebooks to start working on! Now I think we all have a Lifebook - a story. My newest baby will have two!!!

We are half-way through the credit hours as of tonight. We hope to be all done by next week. I pray that you take the time to at least think back about your story. And if you are so moved to do so, make your own Lifebook! After all, you were paid for at an enormous price! Much more than anyone could afford.

I think that's it! I have been so apprehensive about money lately. And I know that the Lord is going to have to make some sort of miracle happen near the end of this adoption just to show me He is in complete control and I am supposed to just trust. But I think He is reminding me that the cost of our baby adoption is so great - great just like the cost of my own adoption. It was only possible because He is on the throne and can make anything happen. Therefore, I should be resting that we may not be able to pay this adoption on our own, but that He will provide the way for the funding to be there when we need it! Praise God for his provision and blessings!

Good night all...Blessed dreams!

Down payment

Well, it has been about two weeks since I posted, and praise God we have accomplished so much! We have nearly completed our homestudy phase. Apparantly many couples take 2-3 months to complete this and we started just two weeks ago! We are finishing up some online courses and waiting for the last of the paperwork to filter in, but we are nearly done. Next is the dossier phase. This is where we prepare our file to bring to Russia that basically states that the US stands behind us as a couple able to care for a Russian child. We are so thrilled yet still praying for nothing to hinder us in this!

Last Thursday I paid the Agency Fee for the adoption. A heafty sum of money - enough to feel like there is no backing out now! I am so thankful for God's peace that surpasses my understanding! Every morning I awake with this peace. As the day goes on, I do tend to get more apprehensive - money, time, chores, work, even telling this surreal adoption story to someone - I get anxious and start to second guess. But God is so faithful to clear the slate every morning and renew my peace! I know it's the right thing and God's will. But why is God's will so hard sometimes? Even when we know the blessings are so amazing!

We went on a camping trip this weekend in the mountains, and I was lulled asleep and awake by some awesome noises of God's creation - I washed dishes alongside some wild turkeys eating the grass in the meadow. I mountain biked next to grazing cows. I watched hawks circle overhead and awoke to woodpeckers right outside our tent. I even watched a squirrel eat a hole in our trash and escape with a banana peel. I didn't even scare him away - I just watched. It was an amazing weekend of enjoying our Wild God! Huge trees, canyons, and mountains with skies filled with birds of prey, side by side with small lakes and gentle meadows filled with butterflies.

My husband reminded me that we serve a God with wild heart, and that he loves to watch us be bold in His world! It renewes my faith that God loves the fact that we are going to travel half way around the world to a once hostile land to take in an "orphan" that, in Russia, is barely considered to be human. These children will carry the "orphan" label with them their entire life and always be treated as one of the lowest civilized classes. We will be entering enemy territory - as many Russians believe that the only reason someone would want one of their orphans would be to sell it's body parts or use as a slave.

I already love this baby as if I carried it, and I haven't even seen a picture. But it is enough for me to know that God knows the number of hairs on his head and I pray is putting a new song in his heart right now.

Don't worry little one - we are coming for you! But be prepared for a wild life - full of adventure, passion and love!

The scales have tipped...

Well, after much prayer and petition, my heart has settled. God asked us to count the cost, to pursue all avenues and take our findings under great consideration. I am reminded of the Lady Justice - blindfolded holding out the scales. I can only imagine that under the blindfold, in the depths of her soul, she looks to God to place the measures on the scale. God did that very thing for us. He has made his will abundantly clear that we are to choose the route of international adoption!

Jesus himself tells us that praying in His name he will grant us the desires of our heart! Sometimes - like little children, we don't like the gift wrap the gift is delivered in. There are some beautiful packages with delicate bows and ribbons, thick satiny paper and elaborate tags. Almost like Alice in Wonderland where the cookies say "Eat Me" and the bottles say "Drink Me". We have no idea what's inside or what it will do to us, but we are enticed by the package. Satan loves to give us beautiful packages to unwrap. Once we choose one of these packages, the others seem to fade away. The one wrapped in comic strip paper or leftover grocery sacks hold the real treasures, but we can't get passed the wrapping!

This was part of the revelation I had in my decision. God has obviously taken away my ability to conceive or carry a baby to term - for a season. And it has taught me much about humility! But then the Lord presented two gifts - adoption or surrogacy. He said, "Look over the wrapped packages very well. Feel how heavy they are. See how beautiful they look. And then choose." I was enticed by the surrogacy package. A baby that is physically ours! Our flesh and blood. Our genetic makeup. Easy to relate to. "That's your dad!" or "That's your mom!" "She's got my eyes" or "He's got his daddy's smile" - just like we do with our precious child now! But then I picked up the adoption gift. This baby is not me...not Chris! We played no part in this child's life yet. But yet when I held the package for the adoption gift, and held it up to my chest, it fit right inside the void perfectly! How much better is a child that God created and then gives to us! When we have nothing to do with it at all! God is not limited to our gene pool. He could pick anything he desired to bless upon our family!

And the scales tipped...

Now we are full steam ahead! We attended an informative session at an agency recommended by a friend from work who adopted her son from Russia. They were absolutely a top notch company! Full of information! We had really been thinking about Africa or China to adopt, but Russia seems to be a better fit for us and our family. For the past week we have been acquiring and filling out paperwork. Next week is our homestudy interviews and Doctor Appts (and more paperwork!) But none of that bothers me. I have such peace and excitement about this process. I am praying that I don't need to learn any patience! That God knows what child he wants us to have already and that nothing would stand in our path for bringing home that precious one!

The hardest part is deciding what choices to make! My paperwork required us to choose boy or girl. Emily has prayed for a baby sister for about 3 years, but she also wouldn't mind a baby brother. Chris and I had also really wanted another girl. But I had a prophetic dream that an Eagle came down to me with a scroll. I unfurled the scroll, and written on it was the name of our child. I couldn't read the name, but I knew it was a boy name. I was so shocked, even in my dream, and I couldn't get it out of my head. So we changed our paperwork to select boy or girl. If there's one thing I learned it's that I don't want to miss out on one more blessing God has in store for us, so I will let him choose! :) Boy referrals come before girl ones (Currently, baby girls in Russia are in higher demand than boys.)

Please pray for us as we go through the process. I'd love to hear your kind words of encouragement. I'm sure the whole process won't be easy, but I do pray that it will bring much glory to God!

Spokoinoi nochi

Patience is a Virtue...

...virtue is a grace...Grace is a little girl who didn't wash her face. I think of this Shel Silversteen poem every time I think about God's grace. Probably especially since Emily loves to read those poems! But patience is much more than a child's poem. Patience is one of the hardest things for anyone to learn - especially Christians. The saying goes, "Never pray for patience!" As according to scripture:

Romans 5:3 (King James Version)
3And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

and who wants more tribulations! This road of infertility has lead to a great lesson in patience. I'm an only child. I may not be the stereotypical spoiled brat, but I do have great expectations and being patient isn't at the top of my list. I have had very little patience in my life. I want something done immediately. I'm top of the heap! I'm the only one. I had a mom and dad that sacrificed a lot to make me happy. And I had no model for waiting on the Lord and praying. I was told things like, "YOU can do it," "YOU can make it happen," and "YOU are in charge of your destiny!" So I did work hard. I did well in school and my career. And sometimes I would achieve greatness - and sometimes I didn't. And was I quick to complain! "Bill is making more than me - yet I am more qualified!" "I didn't get promoted! I demand to know what it takes to reach the next level. I will do it!" and "I didn't get as big a raise as Heather! What is the problem? Where do I need to improve." A vicious cycle of comparing myself to ambiguous standards and demanding more. More responsibility. More work. More time. More travel. Whatever it takes to be recognized as elite. And by God it was all about me!

Well, isn't the Lord cute. He put me in situation after situation like that. In school, there was always one person better than me! Dating - boy did I kiss a lot of frogs trying to find my prince. On the job, I would work hard, but I was slow to promote and slow to advance. Of course I had years where I did very well, but the reward was soured by the wait! All goals were achieved, but I always let the rough road of the journey spoil the achievement.

I had always planned to be a PhD. I wasn't sure in what, but I was sure I wanted to teach college. So I pursue my bachelors and go immediately into grad school. Now that seems noble, but I actually was so frightened to enter the workforce full-time that what may seem ambitious to some was actually my way of staying safe - attending school was safe for me! Well, I finished my Master's degree and decided that maybe I couldn't take several more Indiana winters. I decided to throw in the towel and face the dreaded "career" part of my life. I got a job and started working as an engineer. But for years, when recanting my life story, I would say, "I went to grad school, quit and came to work." I realized years later, I never even mentioned that I did receive my Masters of Engineering! I never claimed the prize I did obtain because I fell short of my goal of PhD!

I do it all! I want to be in control of my home, bills, laundry, my family's needs, meals, arrangements, activities, vacations, weekend plans, etc. I tend to take on so much that I have a friend who calls me "The Amazing Andrea" and promises that one day she'll make me a cape!

And then there was my fertility. I assumed like anything else I would be able to plan it out, and achieve the goal! I got married and within 6 months we began to work on being pregnant. Well, that was a process that took 9 months. Much longer than I expected. When Emily was born healthy (although I didn't have the best pregnancy) I assumed that having number 2 would take a while, but not too long. Well, here we are. Emily is almost 6, and we are not there. I should have bought stock in EPT with as many pregnancy tests and ovulation predictor kits as I have bought. I would read pregnancy and conception websites incessantly during the TWW (two week wait.) I would mark temperatures every day, worrying over each .01 degree! And all it did was add stress to my life - affecting my husband, my work, and the child I do have!

God is so good. He has shown me now that the girl who peeked at every Christmas present could now wait days after the holiday to find out what's in the box. He has taught me that all blessings come from Him and how amazing they are! He has made me able to see the greatness in my achievements because they are with his help, and he is showing me how every blessing can bring Him glory!

Romans 5:4 and 5 goes on to say...

4And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
5And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

The hope is the goal. Patience is the tool. If we have patience, we have hope! Patience in other more modern translations is worded as "perseverance!" To persevere means to overcome adversity! Funny how hope plays into that as well! If we have patience we can endure the trail, persevere with hope and enjoy the success and the fruit as a gift from the Lord!

I do pray still for that second baby. In whatever shape or form. From my womb, my genes or someone else's, I know that God will help me to remain patient, and persevere! And best of all, enjoy the blessing as it will bring me joy and bring glory to God!

Baby Steps toward Surrogacy

Last night was a big step forward. I have a friend, Andrea (same name as me ;)) who had tongue and cheek offered to be a surrogate for us! I later asked her how serious she was about it, and after talking with her man, she told me 100%. YAHOO! The only problem is, we know nothing about the process! I had done a little research and found out the info she has to find out about insurance, and how her significant other needs to agree to abstinence during certain periods of time (this is where he wavered ;) but still agreed).

Then we talked about heavier subjects - what if multiple fetuses take? What if they split? Would we down-select them? (The parts that are so hard to think about, nonetheless discuss) We appear to be on the same page there too! We talked about how our families need to spend more time together. We talked about how our girls (she has two girls, we have one) would feel about her carrying a baby and us taking it home! We talked about what would happen to the unborn baby if Chris and I passed away (or at least that we have to figure it out), which got them thinking about their own life and families. There's so many things to consider! So many things to do!

Lots of time in prayer are getting us through this time! God always seems to bless my steps when I step out in prayer and action. Having a goal is important, but remembering it's His ultimate plan and we have no idea what will happen helps thwart heartache and disappointment along the way.